ner of perplexing, profound feelings
and new experiences since I met him. It’s never a dull
and new experiences since I met him. It’s never a dull
moment with Fifty.
Looking back on my life before Christian, it’s as if
everything was in black and white like José’s pictures.
Now my whole world is in rich, bright, saturated color. I
am soaring in a beam of dazzling light, Christian’s dazzling
light. I am still Icarus, flying too close to his sun. I snort to
myself. Flying with Christian—who can resist a man who
can fly?
Can I give him up? Do I want to give him up? It’s as if
he’s flipped a switch and lit me up from within. It’s been
an education knowing him. I ha一ve discovered more about
myself in the last few weeks than ever before. I’ve learned
about my body, my hard limits, my soft limits, my
tolerance, my patience, my compassion, and my capacity
for love.
And it strikes me like a thunderbolt—that’s what he
needs from me, what he’s entitled to—unconditional love.
He never received it from the crack whore—it’s what he
needs. Can I love him unconditionally? Can I accept him
for who he is regardless of his revelations last night?
I know he’s damaged, but I don’t think he’s
irredeemable. I sigh, recalling Taylor’s words. “He’s a
good man, Miss Steele.”
I’ve seen the weighty evidence of his goodness—his
charity work, his business ethics, his generosity—and yet
he doesn’t see it in himself. He doesn’t feel deserving of
any love. Given his history and his predilections, I ha一ve an
inkling of his self-loathing—that’s why he’s never let
anyone in. Can I get past this?
anyone in. Can I get past this?
He said once that I couldn’t begin to understand the
depths of his depra一vity. Well, he’s told me now, and given
the first few years of his life, it doesn’t surprise me. Though
it was still a shock to hear it out loud. At least he’s told me
—and he seems happier now that he has. I know
everything.
Does it devalue his love for me? No, I don’t think so.
He’s never felt this way be
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